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Q&A on lust … is it possible in marriage?

January 4th, 2015

I’m working on a question and found myself in a gray area. It deals with the sin of lust. My response relates lust to covetousness. Desiring your spouse is not sin because you have committed yourselves to each other before God and others (wedding). You can’t covet what is yours. An unmarried person entertaining thoughts of desire for another person is sinning. What about engagement and betrothal? Does Song of Songs suggest that entertaining such thoughts is okay for a betrothed couple? I appreciate your input.

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  • Stuart Mattfield Jed…it’s funny because I’ve had this same discussion recently. I happen to agree with your points, but I’ll give you some points that were offered to me to the opposite, just for thought (as it made me think about my stance). Yes, desiring your spouse is not sinful…but if the issue is lust…can one lust after one’s own spouse in a sinful manner? Are there thoughts about one’s own spouse that are not in accordance with a marriage relationship or in accordance with a Biblical standard for a Godly marriage (even if contained solely within the marriage relationship)? These points made me think about it a little more. I agree with all of your above comments…and I do think Song of Songs gives an example of Biblical desire for one’s own wife. But I was challenged in my view by the questions I offered. I can see an argument where lustful feelings can sneak their way into the marriage through unhealthy sources (i.e. derived from lustful feelings for another that are projected on the spouse, pornography, or other worldly sources). Also, if we draw a distinction between lust and desire (the former being a deep fixation and the later being an attraction or drawing-towards), then the question becomes whether any form of lust, which takes our attention away from God, becomes a form of idolatry. It depends on what one means when they say “lust.”
    Yesterday at 6:52am · Like · 1
  • Lea Ann Davis McCombs I have always understood lust to be an overpowering desire of the flesh that cannot be righteously satisfied by a means God has provided. So sexually focusing on someone that God has not provided is lust. Coveting material things God has not provided is lust. Desiring a person you love and are engaged to marry is not necessarily lust unless it turns to self-focus through masturbation,etc. WE SHOULD sexually desire someone we are engaged to, or the marriage is doomed from the start! ha
    Yesterday at 8:37am · Like · 2
  • Tim White I often teach that sinful lust is more closely related to hate. When your desires conflict with the compassionate care for the other person, it is hate (a lack of love, not anger or despising). I will have to mull over a bit on the covetousness and how this relates to the passion within marriage. At the moment (before the mulling), I will stick to the love-hate conflict.
    Yesterday at 8:45am · Like · 2
  • Ed Chait If sexual desire for someone we are engaged to is required for a marriage to be successful, how do arranged marriages ever work?
    Yesterday at 9:53am · Like · 1
  • Jed Kramer Great thoughts, all! Tim, I fully agree. To avoid sinful lust, I recommended getting about God’s business of truly loving others through giving and serving. Lea Ann Davis McCombs, I’ve added the idea of idolatry to my answer. Even respect for your spouse taken to an extreme can become idolatry. I hadn’t thought to include the extreme of idolatry. Stuart, I appreciate the nuances you raised as well. According to Strong’s, epithumeō is translated as “lust”, but can mean either a rightful or wrongful longing. You and Lea are both right to be sure to define what we mean by the word before using it. I think I did so in my response, but I’ll reread it through another lens. Man, I love serving with each of you!
    Yesterday at 9:53am · Like
  • Jed Kramer Funny you mention that, Ed. Western culture has rejected arranged marriages, but they are fully acceptable from a Biblical perspective. I think it is part of the confusion surrounding love … the choice to think and act in a manner that is for the good of others versus romantic feelings alone. I didn’t tackle that in my response, but I did subtly slide it in … “a healthy relationship progressing toward marriage will usually include increased physical attraction”.
    Yesterday at 9:59am · Like · 1
  • Ed Chait love > sex
    Yesterday at 10:04am · Like · 1
  • Jed Kramer I usually have my wife & daughter ‘proof’ my responses. I don’t intend to have my 13yr old read my response, and my wife is out of town. I’m going to ask my parents (who are visiting later today) ‘proof’ my response. This might be interesting.
    Yesterday at 10:14am · Like · 1
  • Ed Chait Intellectually, we can know that love is more important than sex for a long time before our hormones catch up .
    Yesterday at 10:17am · Like · 3
  • Marilyn Mcclintock “Love” makes me think of 1 Corinthians 13, which, when followed, will enhance any love-relationship. Some married couples encounter physical reasons that sex is no longer an option, but love can continue to bloom by the grace of God.
    23 hrs · Like · 2
  • Marilyn Mcclintock Ed, in response to your comment on how arranged marriages can work, etc…. A family from our church came to the USA from India. The father arranged his daughter’s marriage, with her consent. She turned down the first two men, both of whom had to fly to her city. She said yes to the 3rd man (each one having been interviewed by her father by phone, and then dinner with the family, if he passed the criteria). After they had been married for over a year (having never been alone even once before marriage), she was absolutely delighted with him. Her comment was, “I wouldn’t want to make such a major decision myself!” What I observed was a mutual attraction to their character, plus a similar background and his financial ability to support a family. After knowing this family, I totally changed my mind on arranged marriages that are carefully screened and Christian.
    22 hrs · Like · 1

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