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Pastor Performing Wedding Ceremony for Couple who have both had Multiple Previous Marriages

December 22nd, 2014

My own question for you all: Given what God’s Word says about divorce and re-marriage, what would God say a pastor should do if he’s been asked to marry a couple where the man has already been married 4 times before and the woman 3 times before, and they both profess to be Christians? Would it be okay or not okay biblically for the pastor to marry them? And would it be okay for them to get married?

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  • Jeff Laird I think it would be fair for the Pastor to do the same as with any marriage: require they get to know him first, so he can assess their spiritual condition. There’s good cause for a pastor to not want to contribute to making a joke out of marriage, but if they’re change and sincere, the past is the past.
    December 21 at 5:51am · Like · 5
  • Tim White After much, much counseling. I don’t do weddings, I do marriages. Thus, I have strict guidelines. If a couple doesn’t like my guidelines, they can go to a JP. For divorce/remarried couples, those guidelines must be to own and repent of previous failures.
    December 21 at 1:23pm · Like · 2
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil hhhmmm before I officiate their marriage, I need to have a good deal of time looking into the reasons why they have had multiple failed marriages.
    December 21 at 1:27pm · Like · 5
  • David Gump Maybe marriage isn’t the right way to go for these two individuals, the chances of failure is almost certain
    December 21 at 1:37pm · Edited · Like · 1
  • Sarah Van Baale To be very transparent, I am divorced. My first husband was an unrepentant persisting adulterer (who during our marriage declared he was a pastor and has his own church…but that is another subject all together). However, I say this because I feel for women who hate divorce yet have to endure it and long for a wonderful marriage. I am very empathetic to the wounded spouse in a dysfunctional marriage. And I remember personally feeling like God had called me to be alone and sad forever because I didn’t think I was permitted to remarry. After much praying and seeking God, I do not think it is always a sin to be remarried, and I am also very grateful that God gave me a second chance and a husband who was never previously married. A good marriage is a wonderful thing and I never take it for granted. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean we’re allowed to cast one another aside and find a new mate every time we don’t feel great. The Bible even uses the metaphor of marriage to describe Jesus and the church. I think Mark 10:11-12 makes it pretty clear that picking up and throwing away spouses in marriage, divorce, and remarriage equates to adultery. While I’m not a pastor, I would have a hard time going to a church whose pastor supported this type of behavior. For the record, none of our pastors will perform marriage ceremonies for anyone outside of our church, not because of any biblical instruction, but because it keeps a lot of these types of situations at bay.
    December 21 at 3:53pm · Edited · Like · 4
  • Tim White Sarah, I agree with your perspective completely. A failed marriage does not necessarily mean a personal failure, specifically for the victim of an unfaithful spouse. However, I have never done marriage counseling that a previously married bride or groom indicated that they were perfect in their marriage. Marriage counseling is a good time for all of us (the pastor, bride and groom) to examine our hearts and tendencies and grow closer to the image of Christ.
    December 21 at 5:08pm · Like · 2
  • Sarah Van Baale I agree wholeheartedly, Tim. The only thing I was carefully trying to highlight is that some instances of remarriage after divorce are adulterous. Even though the church as a whole is not necessarily comfortable with this idea, perhaps it needs a little bit attention as people casually jump from spouse to spouse. For anyone who has been through divorce, it is absolutely horrendous (even if it brings relief). And while remarriage is permissible for some people, I cannot find the text that gives a blessing to remarriage in all situations. Yes, we are all sinful people and we all fail in our marriages in one way or another. However, that doesn’t give us blanket permission to do whatever we feel like or turn to someone else in a marriage to make us whole. God makes us whole and we are blessed if he adds a wonderful spouse to our lives. Perhaps this couple is looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places which is why they keep coming up short. Godly wisdom and advice should be part of every couple’s life before and after the wedding. So, I would never suggest foregoing counseling. But I’m not sure I can find biblical rationale that would suggest this couple should be married in the church by an ordained pastor.
    December 21 at 5:24pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White I don’t know this couple. If I had married before the age of 23, I am fairly sure it would not have lasted because of my immaturity. So glad I waited. And having suffered the wound of divorce, not too sure I could have made any marriage work. Then again, I may have matured faster. Still, but for the grace of God……
    December 21 at 5:28pm · Like · 1
  • Sarah Van Baale So, if I’m understanding people correctly, the majority opinion is if their hearts have truly changed and they have both repented of their previous sins, then God gives the okay to a future marriage? I know God forgives. But how is this idea supported biblically? Even if God forgave them of their past sin, does that in turn negate the future sin of being remarried, or is that remarriage no longer an act of adultery? I’m really not trying to start anything, and as I said before, I am previously divorced. However, I’m having a very hard time understanding this concept since it deviates so much from what I have been taught. On the other hand, I’m also open to the idea that I’m missing something.
    December 21 at 5:55pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield Sarah…I agree with your assesment. Much has been said and writen about divorce, forgiveness, redemption within the Biblical construct…but you are right…there is nothing in Scripture that would appear to relieve the sin aspect of remarriage, regardless of the circumstances. Divorce is one thing…remarriage is another. I think it’s a concession we’ve made due to the fact that divorce has become so common. I respect you for the stance you take given the personal nature of the subject to you…
    December 21 at 6:10pm · Like · 1
  • Christopher Dupre I’m with Sarah on this one. God forgives, but Christians too often stray from Scripture to justify remarriage. Repentance, forgiveness, renewal etc…All that is good, but none of it opens the door to remarriage, according to Jesus’ own words. There is nothing in Scripture that indicates the act of adultery ends with the (re) marriage ceremony.
    December 21 at 6:13pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White We have to remember that Matthew 19 is those Pharisees, still upset that Jesus was turning over their faith cart, questioning Jesus about their ability to live by works without grace. If we disregard the other parties in the conversation, then we have to believe that Jesus taught sinless-perfection salvation (John 8:11), and economic salvation (Matthew 19:21). We must pluck out eyes and cut off hands, because we, as Paul said, end up doing what we hate and not doing what we want to do in our hearts (Romans 7). I have to admit, I am not certain about the answer.
    December 21 at 7:23pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield I don’t know Brother Tim…I’m not sure that the two (or five) are mutually inclusive. We’re not saying that Scripture explicitly forbids or…we’re saying that it does not explicity allow (which is not the same as forbids) remarriage. We are saying that Jesus acknowledged that God hates divorce, Jesus acknowledged the right-standing of one who divorces because of adultery, but also states that one who divorces and causes their spouse to remarry causes them to divorce…that means there is no explicit allowance for remarriage.
    December 21 at 7:39pm · Like · 1
  • Sarah Van Baale And then there is this by John Piper:http://www.desiringgod.org/…/divorce-remarriage-a… which is just about as harsh as it gets. I’m not sure I agree with him, but he makes a compelling argument and I think that we have to hold the law in one hand knowing that it is still in full effect, but yet live our lives with abundant grace. Piper seems to delve into the “exception clause” and completely refute it while directing everyone who has been remarried after divorce to repent. Here is a very poignant part of his paper:

    4.2 The remarkable thing about the first half of this verse is that it plainly says that the remarriage of a wife who has been innocently put
    away is nevertheless adultery: “Everyone who divorces his wife, except
    on the ground of unchastity, makes her (the innocent wife who has not
    been unchaste) an adulteress.”

    I read and re-read the whole paper. I understand what he is trying to say, but I have no background in Greek or Hebrew. So, while he dives into the language to refute the “exception clause,” he doesn’t really dive into the language of the original law or the other parts of Scripture referring to the subject. I will say though, I do have a hard time understanding how a husband who cheats on his wife causes her to be an adulterer. I’m not entirely sure how that sin is transferable. He says it is because God “assumes” the wife will be remarried. But I don’t like making assumptions about what God assumes. At the very least, I think it warrants more research.
    December 21 at 7:42pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White I agree, no explicit allowance, but also I see no justification for limiting grace in that matter. Without further clarity (and it is something that I have studied in deeply), I am not in a position to forbid it, if the couple meets my requirements for counseling and pursuit of marital success.
    December 21 at 7:46pm · Edited · Like · 1
  • Tim White Please allow my edit.
    December 21 at 7:46pm · Like
  • Stuart Mattfield Tim, then what do you make of Malachi 2:16 (God hates divorce). If I know God deplores it…then why do I allow it go on unabated. (I ask because I too am able to perform marriages and I wrestle w/ this issue…my brother is divorced and remarried…I would not have performed his remarriage).
    December 21 at 7:47pm · Like
  • Stuart Mattfield Also…based on your last (not the edit comment)…but there is a distinction between you forbiding it (which in my understanding means preventing it completely) and endorsing/allowing it (which in my understanding involves participating in it).
    December 21 at 7:49pm · Like
  • Tim White God hates divorce because it 1) mars the living illustration of the desired relationship God wants to have with his people, 2) hurts children of the marriage, 3) leaves a wound on the people He loves. But because He hates divorce does not mean that He holds the victim of an unfaithful or escaping partner culpable. There is no limiting grace upon even the guilty party, once he or she repents. Remarriage and divorce are two related, but entirely different issues. One does not equal the other.
    December 21 at 7:52pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White I try to never participate in a divorce.
    December 21 at 7:54pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield Again…I only press because I wrestle with this too… I have a cousin…now on her 4th marriage…professing Christian…no indication of adultry in any of the previous…seems to be repentent of the issues related in all the previous…would you “limit grace”? I don’t see it as limiting, but rather enforcing His standard..
    December 21 at 7:56pm · Like
  • Sarah Van Baale Tim, I hope you are right. I really personally want you to be completely correct. And I hope Piper is somewhat misguided in his post. It would be a hard pill to swallow knowing that I have to repent of my sin as Piper suggests even though I was the “innocent” spouse. If I were to repent, how then would I “turn” from my sin? He sets out to make a case for ongoing adultery in a second marriage, but then refutes it at the end in his “Those who are already remarried” suggestions which seem to simply come from his own personal thoughts and ideas.
    December 21 at 7:58pm · Edited · Like
  • Tim White I used to take the Piper position, but hopefully have moved more towards the lead of “grace first”. The truly knows that if God had treated me any other way than grace first, I would be of all men most miserable.
    December 21 at 7:59pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White And, Stuart, please understand that when I refute my former stance, I can only point out where my thinking was flawed, and I cannot speak for those who may, for other reasonings, remain firm in their position.
    December 21 at 8:00pm · Like
  • Stuart Mattfield …yeah…like Sarah…I don’t want to be firm in my position…but I feel compulsion to do so…
    December 21 at 8:01pm · Like · 1
  • Tim White I must also testify that as a pastor, I have seen God’s hand and presence in the lives and marriage of many faithful couples who have undergone previous divorces. My ministry has benefited from their support and Christ’s presence in their lives.
    December 21 at 8:03pm · Like
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil The thread says the 2 who were involved in multiple failed marriages in the past”both profess to be Christians” I can’t say it is not okay for them to get married or it’s not okay for me to marry them just because of their past. There’s the need to know what their relationship with God like during their previous relationships in the past before they met each other. Just as Jeff Laird said “the past is the past.” If they have truly repented and become genuine believers not only “professing believers” before this marriage, there should be no hindrance for them remarrying. It’s better to remarry than burn with sexual passion and sin.
    December 21 at 8:10pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield Let me offer this as a contrary analogy, Corpuz…If there are two males who are “professing believers,” is it okay to marry them so they don’t burn with sexual passion and sin… (oh…it’s on now!)
    December 21 at 8:14pm · Like
  • Sarah Van Baale I think as a general rule, it is important to know that Scripture is completely true from the beginning of time until today and forever more. And while I’m very empathetic to many people (women in particular) who are caught in terrible marriages, I still think that most cases of remarriage after divorce are an act of adultery. I carefully and prayerfully considered this in my situation before remarriage entered my mind. In the end, I can only speak from a personal standpoint. I had an extreme situation in which God rescued me. I am very thankful that He did. I know that I could have remained single for the rest of my life but wondered why God would want to further punish me for the direct sin of my ex-husband. It seemed out of character for God. So with the help of a Christian counselor, my peers/friends at the time (many of whom are pastors now), and one seasoned Baptist pastor, I finally was able to see God’s grace in my situation. While I maintain that I could be wrong, I don’t believe that an innocent party commits adultery upon remarriage. Yet, I do still maintain that most divorces are simply not okay and that while God forgives sin of divorce, that doesn’t negate the sin of adultery upon a future marriage. At this point, I’m just glad I’m not a pastor and am not faced with explaining this issue to other people on a regular basis! Good luck to the rest of you!
    December 21 at 8:17pm · Like · 2
  • Steven Matthew Vovk Biblically many Christians and theologians say that divorce and remarriage is permissiblein the following circumstances, adultery, abuse, and falling away from the faith(I.e. They no linger follow the teachings of Christ and have left the marriage). That being said, with 7 marriages between the two of them, ere clearly is issues stemming from that. Divorce is traumatizing once, I cannot imagine that many times.
    December 21 at 8:20pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield …best answer yet, Sarah. Like I said…I like to debate this because I stand on the service side of it, and i’m interested what others think. As far as your decision (and those in your similar situation)…I don’t judge you, I don’t know that I have the right answer, and I look forward to the day we can sit together and ask Jesus and see if He gives us the answer (as if it will matter then…).
    December 21 at 8:21pm · Like · 2
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil Stuart Mattfield your analogy is not valid. We are talking about marriage between a male and a female. And no I don’t go for divorce as an option. Divorce is always against the original plan of God. My point is, if we are torn between sexual sins that may result from not marrying 2 former divorcees and marrying them (if they are qualified according to your country’s law, Romans 13) then i would go for remarriage. Let’s focus on the issue at hand.
    December 21 at 9:08pm · Edited · Like
  • Stuart Mattfield Corpuz…I beg to differ…the analogy is absolutely valid. The gender is irrelevent. Since both involve relationships, the question being asked is whether the relationship itself is inherently sinful. In the case of two men or two women, I’m assuming we would agree that the Bible says that such a relationship is sinful and should not occur. That is the same question about a relationship between two people with a divorce involved in some form. The question being asked is whether such a relationship is in violation of Scripture. That question makes both “the past is the past” and the issue of their any buring with sexual passion irrelevant. What is relevant is whether the relationship violates God’s will…which was the point of the analogy.
    December 21 at 9:10pm · Like
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil So are you for the 2 living in together without marriage even though they are “legally “qualified to marry? Will your proposition solve the issue of sin?
    December 21 at 9:13pm · Like
  • Ed Chait I’m grateful that God allows us to work out our salvation in fear and trembling.
    December 21 at 9:15pm · Like · 2
  • Stuart Mattfield You’ll have to show me where you found that point in my words Corpuz. I don’t believe that’s what I said. Living together would be wrong too. By what standard are you qualifying their “qualified to marry” as being “legal”? Is that man’s law or God’s law? Are you insuating that since they’ll live together (sin) it’s best to marry them…which is also a sin (or at least is the question we’re discussing)?
    December 21 at 9:17pm · Like
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil of course by using the word “legal” it means according to man’s law. The issue is that the two people involved are wishing to have their relationship fixed at least according to man’s standard.
    December 21 at 9:20pm · Like
  • Sarah Van Baale But they can do that outside of the church. I think we’re referring only to Christians who wish to be married by a pastor in a church. Even though the Law applies to all men, this kind of thing only becomes “problematic” in a church setting. A pastor would not willingly sanction a marriage if they believed the couple was committing a sinful act by entering into the marriage – hence the reference to homosexual marriage.
    December 21 at 9:26pm · Like · 1
  • Stuart Mattfield Then I don’t see the point. Again, I’ll return to the analogy of same sex marriage. Man’s law in the U.S. (in many states) now makes that legal. It is still wrong according to God’s law, regardless of any reason/circumstance. The question that was being raised and discussed was whether it is right for divorced people to remarry. Everyone rightly acknowledge that there is nothing in Scripture that says that it is allowed. Everyone acknowledged that Scripture does allow for divorce in the case of adultery, but doesn’t say that remarriage is allowed. Everyone acknowledged that God hates divorce, so it is not what he wants. So, we’re left with the question as to whether it is right for us who know how God feels about divorce to perform marriages for those who were divorced. I don’t know that we came up with the right answer…but it would not be okay because it will prevent them from sinning more, because sin is sin.
    December 21 at 9:26pm · Like
  • Stuart Mattfield Thank you Sarah…you articulated it better than I did…that’s what I’m saying.
    December 21 at 9:28pm · Like
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil Of course Yes Sarah Van Baale. “IF they believe the couple was committing a sinful act by entering into the marriage.” There should be always a strike of balance in everything.
    December 21 at 9:30pm · Edited · Like
  • Sarah Van Baale Right…that’s what we’re discussing. Some people argue remarriage is never okay. Some people argue that remarriage is only okay in the case of adultery (or other commonly cited situations like abuse, etc.). Some people argue that remarriage is always okay after repentance. We don’t all agree, but I think it is a worthy discussion.
    December 21 at 9:32pm · Like · 3
  • Stuart Mattfield But I feel compelled to point out that the issue is not “IF” they believe the couple was commiting sin…because that seems to make the truth of it relative to what the person believes. The issue is really IF Scripture says that it is right or wrong..which as Sarah points out, is the heart of this discussion…because it is not clear. It’s a tough one. All right…last word belongs to you guys…I’m going to bed. Good night all!
    December 21 at 9:35pm · Like · 1
  • Corpuz Valdemor Avellaneda Ramil Romans 3:10 Stuart Mattfield. That will solve this issue or at least settle it between us all.
    December 21 at 9:46pm · Edited · Like
  • Timothy Craig Munger That exact situation happened to me as a new pastor in my first pastorate. I actually did marry the couple, but later I regretted it and it led to a more detailed study on the topic, and I changed my view on marriage, divorce and remarriage to a much more conservative view.
    23 hrs · Like · 2
  • Laurel J. Davis Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts on my original question.
    18 hrs · Like
  • Tim White Laurel, we gave you a lot to chew on, but you will probably have to spit a lot of it out.
    17 hrs · Like
  • Laurel J. Davis One bite at a time, Tim!

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