It seems that I have not been appointed to stay here with GQ ministries and that is okay, since it is God’s prerogative. I have had a wonderful 11 months here with all of you and I wish you continued success in your ministry.
As for me, I truly believe God has abandoned me. It is not a sudden feeling, it gradually came on over the past 3 years. I know many of you will say “that he never leaves his people” which I guess is true but it means that I probably was never one of his people. The problem is that I have prayed and believed, truly believed. It will take a miracle from him to accuse me on the day of Judgement for not believing. Like every good Christian, I prayed every day, read my bible and sought a personal relationship with him. I wanted so much to please him (that was the reason I started here). I remember one time after I had sinned greatly feeling such agonizing despair that I cried because I had offended God and vowed never to let it happen again. That was the extent of my faith. In fact, I use to consult him about everything, from mundane events like finding a parking space or helping me to pass an exam to big events like what I should say to witness most effectively to others.
I have prayed about this particular situation and even requested your petitions, yet all requests have been in vain. If I was “in the world” I truly believe that he would helped, since he seems to help those kind of people frequently. Quite frankly I am tired of him saying “no” and “wait”.
I have lived for God for 3 years of my life (not long I know), read countless books, asked questions and complied many different articles. I have never been drunk, had sex, taken drugs, went to a party (strip club etc.) or engaged in any of the defining sins of my generation (21). All of this because, at one point, I truly believed that he was my Father and who doesn’t want to please their Father?. One time, a girl gave me an ultimatum, either fornicate with her or our relationship would be over. I remember that I was so excited because I thought that God was testing me. Immediately, I proceeded to tell her that our relationship was over and I was actually happy because I had passed the test.
Fast forward to present day, I am convinced that he intends to destroy my faith. I am not exaggerating when I say that he does not answer even one single prayer. He doesn’t! Well at least not for me. Maybe for his ‘super elect’ he does.
There are situations in my life which have persisted for as long as I can remember but I never complained about them before. I remember praying to God before I was even a Christian. Every morning on the school bus I would talk to him and I thought that maybe this was the purpose I was raised for, to become a Christian. It seems I was wrong and that I instead serve another unknown purpose.
I do not care to suffer now for eternal rewards. I rather have no eternal rewards and these situations end. They have gone on for too long but I guess the Lord prefers not to stop them. Much like how he prefers not to stop evil acts or sin.
I have developed a saying which encapsulates how I feel perfectly. “Nothing good appointed, nothing good expected, no disappointments at all.” It means that before the foundation of the world, the LORD, when he was conceiving all things, decided to appoint nothing good for my life, as such, I should never expect anything good to occur and then I will never be disappointed by the inevitable bad that will occur.
I question the very notion that God is indeed good. How can this be so? He seems to prefer to bring about evil situations rather than good ones.
I will say that I truly believe that God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit exist as the one triune God of the universe. However, I do not believe that he has any intention of ever helping me overcome my problems, he can attest to that himself on the day of Judgement. In this world, there is entirely too much evil which he allows to go unchecked. Furthermore, he seems to have a “class” system concerning his elect. I have watched other Christians go on and be successful all too often. I know that I follow him and I shouldn’t be envious of others because it shows that I don’t think he is generous with his gifts. The truth is, I no longer believe that he is generous, actually my thinking more closely reflects those in Malachi 2:17 and 3:13-18.
I didn’t think that I could be brought to tears easily, but over the course of the past few years and constantly crying out to God to be ignored I know what it feels like to shed genuine tears for the faith. My eyes are watering as I write this, because in the deep recesses of my mind I do want him to be good, loving and caring (to me). I want him to be the Jesus Christ of the bible not the distant god of today. I longed for God to show up to me and prove me wrong like he did with Job, Asaph or Habakkuk but I fear I wait in vain.
I have stopped praying completely because it is exactly like leaving a message at the tone.
Continue to pray for me if you so desire. I will always be thankful to all of you and I hope to see you guys one day on the right side of eternity.
I now understand why so many people will follow the Anti-Christ and take the mark of the beast. You see, it is exactly because that my situation is all too common amongst Christians. So many are constantly let down by him that when the AC is finally revealed he will be the answer to so many of these problems that people will leave the faith and follow him.
Unmet expectations destroy faith. I am not talking about God making me have no problems, I simply mean that less would be better in this case. However, I realize that he will never answer me on this side of eternity he much rather continue to treat me like a fool in all his ways.
Honestly, I wish the thought of creating me had never entered his mind from before the foundation of the world.
Comments
Keep pouring out to God, don’t give up, don’t stop reading His Word and know you are being prayed for in a mighty way!
The Word teaches He is all sufficient for all our needs.
Kris, I pray you will, at least, continue to seek the Lord because you and I need no miracles, no experiences or any test of man to know that He is God.
I believe that just placing your trust in Him is enough.
by Loraine Boettner
Every thinking person readily sees that some sovereignty rules his life. He was not asked whether or not he would have existence; nor when, where, or what he would be born; whether in the twentieth…See More
I know waiting on Him is hard; sometimes it seems interminable. We are all with you because we have all been there in one way or another. We don’t (and can’t) understand His ways or His timing either. But we can say we know the fight is worth it. We can say we know what it’s like to go through periods where we lost more battles than we won. And though we may have forgotten it at times, we always came back to and relied on the fact that regardless of how we fared in the battle, the ultimate war has already been won. That’s the only reason we have lived to fight another day. And fight another day we have and we will continue to do so, because Satan will always try to make us ineffective in our witness. And so we keep fighting, and we get to know what it is like to come out of battles bloodied, but stronger. Not necessarily where we expected or wanted to be, but fully aware that we are where God wants us to be.
As Ed first said, it took courage to post what you’re going through. I pray you use that courage to keep fighting, only now identify the true enemy. Satan wants you to feel this way. Satan wants you defeated and believing God does not care for you. But know that you are never alone in any battle. Your brothers and sisters in Christ are ready to go into battle with you in any way we can. And even though you can’t always feel Him, God is with you too. He has never left you and will never leave you or forsake you. Don’t let Satan deceive you into believing otherwise.
All of the posts may seem overwhelming, but I pray you feel overwhelmed by our love for you in and through Christ. We are called to bear each other’s burdens. Please, don’t hesitate to reach out to any one of us. We are here for you.
You probably know all the intellectual responses to your concerns. You are aware of the trials in the lives of others, the trials of those persecuted in the early church and today. You’ve heard the harrowing stories of foreign missionaries. You’ve read a lot of books and know the “right” theological answers to your deepest issues.
But there is another aspect of our humanity that doesn’t always respond to the rational intellect. God gives us enough reasons to make believing and trusting him completely rational, but we cannot live by reason alone.
From what you said, it seems that you have probably been attending a church. My prayer is simply that you find the energy to seek pastoral care right now. There are people gifted by God for such work. You may think it’s futile. But in your post you seemed to imply you’ve exhausted all the options. Have you exhausted this one? Please consider this as you check off all the boxes
It may be of interest for you to know that I was encouraged by aspects of your post. Your resisting of temptation was great and a good testimony. The zeal with which you pursued your faith is admirable and a quality not found in 1 person in 1,000. That you worked with GQ for 11 months means that you impacted the lives of many on the other side of the questions. Have you thought about those you impacted who witnessed your walk for the past three years? You affirmed many Biblical truths, so I’m sure you know that many things you did were pleasing to the Lord. You also know that Jesus promised rewards to those who forsook all to follow Him.
