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Question on the Duggar Situation and how parents with sons and daughters should handle talking about sexuality

June 7th, 2015

Parenting question:
I just requested reassignment on a question dealing with the recent Duggar controversy since I was blissfully unaware of the issue until yesterday. I ended up watching a few interviews & read many online article comments.

I have an 11yr old son and a 14yr old daughter. In light of Matthew 10:16, I want to raise them in such a way that they are both innocent and shrewd. It seems that our sexualized culture will likely heighten current teenagers’ curios…

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  • Sarah Van Baale As a former high school teacher and the parent of a teenager, I don’t know all the right answers, but I’ve witnessed many of the wrong ones. Personally, I talk about absolutely everything with my teenage son. Many parents in the church are shocked that I cover it all – especially when it comes to sex – because they want their kids to stay “pure of thought.” Yet, I was a teacher and know firsthand that if your kids are in school – public or private – they’re going to be exposed to it. With the plethora of cell phones that can pull anything off the web, a lot of junk is readily available at all times, even though my child doesn’t have his own phone. I’d list everything I’ve covered with him, but I’m pretty sure many would blush, so I won’t do that. I do make sure to go over slang and crude language that is often interpreted sexually so that he’s not caught off guard when people start joking about it. I’d rather he get the information from me first. Having said that, there is an appropriate age and place to have these discussions. Unfortunately, when the porn started showing up on 3rd graders phones, I had to start discussing things at an earlier age.

    I am following this whole Duggar story (even though I don’t watch their show) and in light of what happened, my husband and I have had conversations about what we need to do differently with a very large family of boys and girls ranging in ages from teenagers down to 1. We decided that instead of just addressing and promoting good behavior, we’re also going to tackle this kind of thing head on as a family so that there are no “secrets” and no misunderstandings in this arena. But I’m a pro-active person rather than a reactive person and have our lives budgeted out 60 more years (if we live that long)…so I recognize that I may not have the ‘normal’ viewpoint in this manner.

    I am thankful that the information I have given him has helped him navigate friendships at the school and avoid certain situations and conversations. I am also thankful that he talks to me freely and asks lots of questions and is never embarrassed to ask even the strange – and sometimes REALLY strange questions. But sin is sin, and I prefer that my children come to me and feel that they can ask me anything rather than going to the world who will always lead them astray.

    As a side note, I think many parents would be very surprised to find out just how much their 10 year olds have already been exposed to. It only takes one child at school, in youth group, or on a sports team to expose them to so much more than you could ever imagine. And “good kids” are often too embarrassed and too quiet to let anyone else know what happened or what they saw or heard.
    June 5 at 3:15pm · Edited · Like · 5
  • William Brenner Of course it strikes me that since they have known about this for years, (even Brannon Howse said he knew for some years) then it was unwise to accept a highly visible television series and place yourself in the public eye. These things come in the light sooner or later because they are not completely hidden. If you want the limelight, then make sure your history is clear. Same with politicians.
    June 5 at 2:34pm · Like · 1
  • Marilyn Mcclintock I have known children as young as 5 to give “hints” as to their “bent” toward things that need to be addressed before what other kids might have ever thought of. As a parent, I suggest watching for clues. That is the time to address whatever issue is at hand.
    June 5 at 5:59pm · Like · 1
  • Sarah Van Baale There was a 5 year old in our school system showing other kindergartners how to have oral sex on a doll. I believe I am the only parent who knows about this because 1) the other children wouldn’t even know to tell their parents and 2) the teacher was so embarrassed she didn’t think it was appropriate to share with parents. Unfortunately, my grandmother who used to oversee a bunch of head start programs for the state would tell me stories like this frequently – and that was 30 year ago! I don’t want to bash on schools, but there is so much more that goes on there than most parents could ever imagine.
    June 5 at 6:04pm · Like
  • Jed Kramer Thank you for your responses. I am in my 18th year of teaching 7th-12th graders… Sarah, I agree with your course of action in your home and your rationale. My wife’s family was very private and never talked about anything that might be embarrassing. My family was a little more willing to talk, but in hindsight I wish my parents initiated such conversations given that I was embarrassed to bring up these topics in my youth. It looks like my wife and I need to plan some conversations with our kids this weekend.
    June 5 at 9:56pm · Like
  • Ed Chait My parents were not believers and were from a generation and culture that was not comfortable talking about sex with their children. They did, however, have several medical books about sex on the bookshelf, so of course, I carefully read them and knew far more about sex clinically than my friends did. These books did not go into morals and values, however.
    June 5 at 10:14pm · Like
  • Marc Weiss Interesting discussion. I am mixed and here is why. This happened in 2006 and was handled. Maybe not the way we think it should have been, but it was handled. Forgiveness was granted. If Josh has led a clean, pure life since the incidents – it is a non-issue. It was reported to police and while we may not agree, it was handled.

    I am a right-wing guy, I am a former cop, and I am not liberal in any way. However, in this case, I have to say this may have been an illegal FOIA (there is some debate though), it opened wounds on victims (if new victims emerge, I will recant this whole statement), and it was committed by a teenager. While we may not have done anything this serious as teens, most of us led some sort of impurity at that age (I need to keep is G rated, but we may have been alone too). Again, I am NOT condoning or excusing this behavior, I am simply saying without new victims – for me – it is a non-issue as it is 9 years old and was handled by law enforcement and families.

    If we find out there was a cover-up or more victims, I will apologize to the group and recant this.
    June 6 at 12:58am · Edited · Like
  • Marc Weiss PS – I do not watch the show and I could not even pronounce their name until last night. I had no idea what the show even was, so I think I am being objective here.
    June 6 at 12:54am · Like · 1
  • William Brenner Not into this very much since I too never watched this or the Duck Dynasty fad. Waste of time. But what I have read says there is more in the details that does question whether the right things were done with the right people, and that it was not just one year. So I’ve taken a wait and see position. The whole thing is an obsession with some people and the strongest opinions don’t seem to come from those who know much. I would have reassigned it if I got it. A mess of misstepsz.
    June 6 at 8:43am · Like
  • Marc Weiss William – Agreed. I do not know much and based on what we do know – it is just a waste of time (in addition to watching those shows smile emoticon )
    June 6 at 9:18am · Like · 1
  • Jed Kramer My wife and I got as far this weekend as having a conversation about having conversations with our kids. smile emoticon The next step is actually having them.
    June 7 at 8:46pm · Like · 2

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